Search NYTimes. Loading... Chester Higgins Jr./The New York TimesAt a tutoring center in Lower Manhattan, a tutor asks a 4-year-old which object doesn’t belong. “A consultant got my daughter into uptown Montessori,” one mom said. We were nearing decision week and we mothers were huddled in the indoor playground, frantically discussing — what else — our preschool attempts. “It’s a Dalton-feeder.”“Nice,” another nodded over the mini-trampoline. “It’s all about exmissions.” Several mothers sighed anxiously.I may have four degrees, but I’d never heard the word “exmissions” before this preschool palaver. The opposite of “admissions,” “exmissions” is the process of getting students out of the school. Many parents were madly concerned about which kindergartens the preschools could get them into. (Message boards exist where parents analyze the preschools’ “TT” — top tier — hit rate.)“I’m on a one-year wait-list for pre-preschool classes,” a mother of a 5-month-old said. She was ultimately ogling the eminent 92nd Street Y. While I’d gone local, other parents had applied around the city, ready to move near the best nursery they nabbed. “Don’t forget to send top-choice letters,” another kindly suggested.I lowered my gaze. I simply did not have the clear determination that these parents had for their kids. I’d always had trouble envisioning the future, even for myself. I didn’t have concrete goals for Zee. I couldn’t see what her ‘success’ looked like. I was ashamed: I did not have a “top.” “Gotta get them on the track,” a mom said.“The track to what?” I wanted to ask, but was afraid to voice aloud, along with the real question that kept nudging me: I wanted Zee to get a spot in this crowded city, to give her opportunities and confidence, but what was the endgame to all this meshugas?Zee honked a fake horn in the fake taxi. Perhaps it was hard for me to have clear goals because I’d attended the kind of university that many saw as an “endgame” without having gone to any fancy schools — and I had ambivalent feelings about it. True, I’d had rigorous academic training, opportunities to travel and exposure to illustrious thinkers. My closest friendships were made there. But it was also a fiercely competitive environment. Some A students, like me, had been awkward kids, escaping tumultuous family lives, seeking order, attention and praise, and were insecure. Social scenarios could be fraught.Many of our identities — gawky and robust alike — had been based on being the best in the class. Suddenly, half of us were below average. We didn’t know who we were. I was the kind of teenage math nerd Malcolm Gladwell describes in “David and Goliath,” who, petrified by her genius peers, dropped out of science. After college I’d needed a decade to recover. I’d fled to Europe, tried out a dozen jobs. I’d felt overloaded with choice, plagued with potential, but I had little direction and high expectations of myself. For years, everything I did felt substandard, never equaling my peers. College wasn’t an end. The Ivy kept growing, for better and worse.If Zee eventually wanted this, I would certainly support her. But it wasn’t my goal. Besides, if it was, wouldn’t she just rebel?!I watched Zee clumsily trot across the room. “I did chasse, Mama, like you show me.” I chuckled. I supposed I, too, had dreams for my child, fantasies that she would pursue my unfulfilled ambitions, create beauty in a way I never could and become a fashion designer or a dancer. But no preschools I visited offered junior couture, and truthfully, these imaginings emerged from my desire for her to enjoy the things I enjoyed, rather than an actual plan for her future. It was hard for me to link wooden blocks with a career in aesthetics. Then, as I daydreamed about my daughter’s 2035 stylish, flowing pret-a-porter line, she bashed into the gym’s wall. “Are you O.K.?” Maybe she would be an M&A lawyer or a rabbi or a surfer. I didn’t know what I really wanted for her, or if I should want anything at all. She was 2! Jon and I hadn’t applied to preschools that continued to elementary because we didn’t know who she would be at 4, let alone 17. Or 40.“I’m fine.” Zee gleefully chased a boy around a mat, swaying her hips to the background music. What I did know was that I wanted her to pursue goals because she was internally motivated, not because she was running away or sought validation. Success, my gut told me as Zee tackled him to the ground, was having the self-awareness and confidence to pursue your real interests, and the courage to attempt love. “Zee, gentle, please,” I called, as she rammed her head into his side. I didn’t have a 20-year plan. I couldn’t parent for the long term. I could only make decisions that made sense now. “Snack time.”Hopefully, I’d remember this bit of Zen when the letters arrived. Judy Batalion’s memoir about motherhood, daughterhood and the mess in between will be published by NAL/Penguin. More on nytimes. The Motherlode blog has a new look and a new virtual home at The Times. Our goal: to cover the ways our families affect us, and the ways the news affects our families. Watch K.J. I Didn’t Want My Son to Have Dwarfism. Not Really. We're all living the family dynamic, as parents, as children, as siblings, uncles and aunts. At Motherlode, lead writer and editor KJ Dell’Antonia invites contributors and commenters to explore how our families affect our lives, and how the news affects our families—and all families. Each week, we send out a newsletter containing the news and headlines that matter most to parents. U.S. Students Strong at Problem Solving Fifteen-year-olds in the United States scored above the average of those in the developed world on exams assessing problem-solving skills. Federal Funding for Maternal and Infant Visits Extended — Briefly The Maternal, Infant and Early Childhood Home Visiting Programs enjoy bipartisan support. Locally run programs successfully reduce infant mortality and increase longer term family success. So Congress has extended the funding for the federal-state partnership — for six months. Preschool Admissions Diary If Ivy League Is the Endgame, I’m Not Sure I Want to Play “Exmissions” is the opposite of “admissions,” and the other parents working to get their offspring into preschool in Manhattan all seemed to have the kind of clear long-term plans that make a school’s “top tier hit rate” matter. I wasn’t even sure which preschool I liked best, let alone where I hoped Zee would go next. How to Talk to Your Teenager About Pornography Even researchers who can’t point to definitive evidence that pornography harms teenagers say parents should talk to their children about what they might see online. A Sperm Donor, Uncertain of What It Is to Be ‘Bio-Dad’ After a request from friends, a 29-year-old gay man explored the possibility of becoming a sperm donor. 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